The Power of Words
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The expression “sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me,” used to be a staple around the schoolyard. Undoubtedly, it was well-intended, designed to help children who were being bullied by other kids.
If only repetition could make the second half of this expression true; unfortunately, no matter how many times we say “names will never hurt me” it often isn’t true.
Words can have an incredible capacity to hurt and wound. At Remuda Programs for Eating Disorders, we know the power of the spoken word. Literally thousands of women and girls have come to us with eating disorders, the severity of which range from life-altering to life-threatening. How many patients have we welcomed into treatment knowing that if we cannot help them, they may die? And how did this eating disorder get started? Often, by words, by cruel names they were called by classmates, siblings, and yes, even parents. Names like “fatty” or “cow” or “whale” or “lard butt.” You can imagine the litany.
Perhaps these females were overweight; perhaps they turned to food for comfort because they were lonely, unpopular, or unloved. Some were clearly not overweight. But what they weighed wasn’t the issue … it’s what they were labeled. Were they deeply wounded by these words? Yes. In fact, most of these females would have preferred to have a stick or stone break one of their bones … because at least, bones mend over time. A shattered heart can be harder to heal.
You may wonder how the situation goes from teasing at school to eventually entering a treatment facility. It runs like this. The girl takes a stand – she will no longer be humiliated by classmates. So she starts dieting, maybe becomes a vegetarian. She turns any former reliance on food to rebellion against food. She loses weight. People notice and compliment her. This feels very good. She starts cutting out fat, carbohydrates and more. Now she is skinny. The compliments stop, but she doesn’t care. Her entire life revolves around not eating; she is as addicted to starvation as a smoker is to cigarettes.
As professionals in the treatment of eating disorders, we may have little influence over the behaviors of school children, but we implore all parents to give this some thought. Think about what is said or indicated to daughters, both directly and indirectly. Please applaud your daughter’s positive actions and behaviors, not her physical attributes. Your daughter is so much more than what she looks like; she needs to know how valuable are her qualities that are not appearance-related.
Mothers, take a moment to examine your own thoughts about size and shape. Are you always talking about diets, obsessing about fat grams and calories, exercising to an extreme, doing just about anything to lose weight? Whether you recognize it or not, your daughter watches this behavior and will model it. Fathers … if you only knew how important your words and actions, and most of all, your approval is to your daughter. This is especially true when she is entering puberty and great physical transformations are taking place. Sometimes fathers are very uncomfortable with these changes because their little girl is suddenly becoming a woman right before their eyes. In an attempt to ease their own discomfort, they use sarcasm or jokes. By injecting levity and saying things like, “Hey … getting a little chunky there,” in reference to her more womanly shape, they may be helping themselves to adjust, but this can have an unforeseen, negative effect. Your daughter is also trying to come to terms with this mature body of hers – it’s new to her, too. What’s more, she may be highly sensitive to what is said, due to fluctuating hormones. Instead of viewing jokes as harmless, she can easily perceive them as criticism from you … the most important male figure in her life.
Are jokes or taunts the exclusive cause of an eating disorder? Hardly, for the factors are many and varied. However, another expression, which is actually true, states that “every little bit helps.” By reinforcing the positive, praising accomplishments, downplaying the importance of external beauty and body, you can help your daughter tremendously. Your affirming words can very possibly give your daughter that self esteem edge she will need to grow into a strong and healthy woman—and to avoid a life-threatening eating disorder.
For more information about eating disorders please visit www.remudaranch.com
